A letter from Santa Clau....err, Michael Moore

Tuesday, November 14th, 2006
A Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives ...by Michael Moore

To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,

Oh, right--NOW you wanna play all nicey-nicey...

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand.

Oh, yes--you were there a few years ago, screaming in despair when YOUR candidate lost. Let's see now--weren't you angry, and calling for investigations, and ranting and raving? And now you want to play all nice?! Make up your mind, Mikey--mind if I call you Mikey? I don't care if you do or don't, actually.

Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you.

Friends? Friends?! Right--you would, of course, have us forget or ignore your many diatribes against conservatives of various stripes. All is forgiven because the Dems are back in town now, right? And you have good news? I can hardly wait to hear it....

I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.

Sorry, Mikey--that's not YOUR Democratic Congress. That's MY Congress, too--even though they happen to Democrat. They don't represent just YOU--they represent US.
And YOU value US as fellow Americans?! Sure--just like you have a bridge to sell me, or 100 acres of water-front property in a swamp somewhere. Sorry, Mikey--your credibility is shot to heck and back--or did you think anybody would notice?

You seem to be certain that your far-leftism is represented in Congress by every single Democrat. Gotta watch that wishful thinking, Mikey. You say it's YOUR (plural) newfound power, but I don't think that anybody elected you, buddy-boy.

Thus, here is our Liberal's Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:

Here comes the cringe-fest....

Dear Conservatives and Republicans,

Umm...what about Libertarians, or Centrist Democrats who, in your book, might as well be Republicans? Surely the world is more varied than "us" and "them?"

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

And if you don't....? Then what? Can we beat you with sticks, or help you move to Canada?

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

Hahhahah! Hahahah! Oh, you're such a kidder! You don't practice a word of what you preach there, Mikey. I've seen what happens to people who dissent and disagree with you, and it's not pretty. Why would you change your tactics now that "you" are in power? Sorry, Mikey, hard to believe this one.

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.

Why, could this be a snide reference to gay marriage, or something? What about those Democrats (like, say, John Kerry, or Hillary Clinton) who are ON RECORD as opposing gay marriage? Does your promise include them, too? This is clearly satire--which, of course, indicates that you don't intend to keep your promise, right?

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.

Oooh, a sly dig at Republican fiscal shenanigans! Clever one, Mikey! But, you know what? You somehow omit Democrat failings in this regard...or did you not know about those? Plus, you want to keep Social Security the way it is--and thus this promise can't be kept.

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.

*Sniff* *sniff* awww, so caring and patriotic! And so condescending. I'm touched.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.

And a chicken in every pot! Woohoo! Put your money where your mouth is, big boy--you gonna pay for all this....how? (see promise 3 above). By the way--did you know that not all stem cell research is equal, and that much of it IS already funded, PRIOR to 2006's election?
No, you probably overlook that on purpose. Hence, this isn't a serious promise.

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.

A mighty broad brush there, Mikey--what do you mean, specifically? Have those nasty Rethuglicans opposed ALL environmental regulations? Did your beloved Donkeys never oppose any environmental legislation, no matter how self-serving or stupid?
Do you mean those Kyoto Accords, that even CANADA now admits are unrealistic?

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

Umm...right. You didn't do this the last time... You also seem to misunderstand the nature of cellular terrorism: it doesn't revolve around Osama.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.

Hmm...must be a sly reference to abortion! Thanks for the information--but you seem to conflate the rights of the individual with the needs of society. Do you really think any and all abortion is just fine? Do you really think unrestricted and unregulated abortion has no effects on society as a whole? Instead, you hide behind this...sorry, Mikey.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.

Isn't this a bit inconsistent? First you promise not care what "we" do in the bedroom, and you don't care who we marry, and you don't care what goes on in "our" wombs--and now you stick your nose into our lives. Sorry, Mikey--seems a bit hypocritical to me. You also say you WILL make the streets and schools free from these weapons--but you don't say how. Good luck with that--taking guns away from citizens sure makes the criminals happy (just ask the folks in Great Britain about this phenomenon.)

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

Hahaha! Hahahahaha! Ah, what a kidder you are! If employer X has Y dollars to pay out for salaries, and you force him to increase Y, what happens next? Where will X get those dollars you promise him or her? Won't he or she have to fire some workers to make up the difference?
And for those of us who aren't making minimum wage, where does your promise get us?

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

Sorry, Mikey--I'll believe this when I see it. You seem to promising that now "your kind of folk" are in power, "your folks" will change their behavior. Why should they, just because you said you would? I suspect that you aren't exactly the center of the Democrat Universe (although you might think so). You've got a nice little moonbat solar system, though. And besides, your statement is inconsistent--the first and last sentences don't match. You also seem to ignore secular fanatics, or even secular anti-religious fanatics--why do you do that?

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

Hee heee hee ehehehehe! Ahahaha ahahaha! Sure, right! Mikey--are you stuck on stupid, or what? Do you think "we" are as dumb as "you?" Why should you do this now, if you haven't been doing it all along? Let's see you put your money where your mouth is. Just for starters, what are you going to do to Jefferson? Reid? Sandy Berger?

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.

If you weren't so condescending and sneering in your tone, and if your behavior was consistent with this, and if you spoke for people actually in power rather than a fringe group, perhaps we would believe you. Sorry, Mikey--your "can't you take a joke?" tone is not funny.

Of course, the story that recently hit the blogosphere that you plagiarised this kind of puts the boot in, too...